Iraq Veterans speak out

RICKY CLOUSING
Army Interrogator, from Seattle, Washington

In Iraq I operated on a tactical interrogation team while attached to tactical infantry units. Throughout my training, very appropriate guidelines for the treatment of prisoners were set. However, I witnessed the baseless incarceration and harassment of Iraqi civilians in addition to an innocent teenager that was shot before me. I saw firsthand the abuse of power that goes without accountability.

Eventually, I began to ask my unit the same questions I had been asking myself. Wearing the uniform demands subordination to your superiors and the orders passed down. But what if those orders violate morality, ethics, and even legality? If those orders go unquestioned down the chain of command, are we exempt from reevaluating them?

Finally I came to the conclusion that I could not train or be trained under a false pretense of fighting for freedom. We as Americans have found ourselves in a peculiar era where we have traded humanity for a patriotism. We're trading our civil liberties for a false sense of security. In the the words of Henry David Thoreau… we must not lend ourselves to the same evil which we condemn.

GARETT REPPENHAGEN
Army Scout & Sniper, from Manitou Springs, Colorado

After serving as a U.S. Army cavalry scout and sniper in Iraq, I now suffer from post-traumatic stress disorder, as do many of the people I served with. Recall where you were last year today, and now try to imagine the last entire year you were in a combat zone in Iraq. Imagine you are in constant danger from hidden road-side bombs and exposed to ambushes and sniper fire. Imagine that your home is constantly harassed with mortar explosions and rocket attacks while you try to sleep. Imagine you witnessed your closest friend being torn apart by enemy fire. Imagine you discover that the person you thought was an insurgent that you killed turns out to be an innocent child, or some one who looks similar to your own mother.

For many decades, we have seen the dire impacts of war on those who serve and those who are close to them. I don't understand why the VA has no plans for addressing the needs of the thousands of veterans like me who have served our country proudly and now find ourselves without the help we need. Despite being in the middle of two wars, our government is actually scaling back on services that are critical to the men and women trying to re-enter civilian society.

DARRELL ANDERSON
Army 1st Armored Division, from Lexington, Kentucky

I went AWOL from the military and spent two years in exile. In October 2006, I came back and turned myself in at Fort Knox.

I am not politically anti-war. I didn't go to Canada to talk about politics. I went to talk about war crimes. Because no matter what we're doing or what we're trying, it's inevitable that if you participate in an occupation, you will commit war crimes. Even in World War II, or any of the just wars we speak of, we killed innocent people.

From my experience in Iraq, I believe there is no way I could go back to Iraq and follow procedures without killing innocent people, committing war crimes, and eventually reaching a point where I'd commit massacres because enough of my friends had died.

It is my duty as a solider to refuse this illegal war and refuse to commit war crimes. And it is my right as a human being to choose not to kill innocent people.

Bringing the War Home

The soldiers most often heard in the media say some variation of: “We've got a job to do, and I am here to do it.” But an increasing number of veterans disagree with U.S. military involvement in Iraq. “The real issue I want to raise is why are we there in the first place,” says former Marine Captain Anuradha Bhagwati. “Why is it so easy to get Americans to believe that military use of force is the only way to feel satisfied, secure, or whole?”

The stories soldiers tell us can also challenge our own culture, assumptions, and societal beliefs.

I am ashamed and embarrassed, because I joined the Marines to prove myself,” says Bhagwati. “This is a very American thing: be all you can be. I wanted to do something where I was better than others. That's my personal growth, but at whose expense? At the expense of people in villages around the world. It's not the way I hope humans can become fulfilled.

Most Americans will never serve in Iraq, but if we choose to hear the stories told by veterans, the war may finally penetrate the American consciousness. When that happens, veterans of this war can help us to collectively end it.

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We remember

I hate war. I believe it is a useless and pointless way of solving our problems. I was born in 1960 and grew up during the Viet Nam war. My children were born at the dawn of the wars in Iraq, and have known nothing else but that pointless war. So you might see why I feel as I do. I pray that one day we will find another way of settling our differences with one another.

With that said, however, I do recognize a war in our recent history that had we not fought, the world would have fallen to a totalitarian, fascist, regime. So this is my tribute to the veterans of World War II, and to all the veterans who stood and do stand ready to defend our nation and the entire world from those who sought/seek to destroy liberty. We remember you and we honor you.

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Still my favorite photo

I snapped this picture of Steph looking out of the music room window of the Figarohaus in Vienna, nearly two years ago. It wasn't taken with a fancy digital camera, but with an ordinary 35mm with old fashioned high speed film.

For me, this photo says it all.

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Life in a College Town

Growing up in a college town was a unique experience. I've always been stimulated by the academic "electricity" in the air and the intellectual stimulation that can only be found in a city inhabited and dominated by a large population of university professors, educators, and college students. Because the city of Stillwater literally grew up with the university at it's center, (established as Oklahoma A&M, a land grant college in 1890), university life is everything here. At times it can be a little irritating that literally everything in this town caters to students. For example, it's really difficult to find a nice sit-down restaurant that isn't a sports bar & grill, and of course, pizza and fast food reigns. The median age in Stillwater is well below the national average, and because of the large student population the median income level is rather low, although the cost of living in Stillwater is higher than the rest of the state of Oklahoma. Housing is expensive, and again, caters to the student population.

The beginning of a new school term marks a transformation in town. During the summer the streets are relatively unclogged and the neighborhoods quiet. There are fewer cars with their windows down and woofers booming, and the campus buildings are literally uninhabited. However, with the new term, that all changes. It seems that within a matter of 24 hours the aisles at Wal-Mart are once again choked with kids whose shopping carts are filled with Top Ramen and 99 cent Totino's frozen pizzas, the fast food drive-throughs are lined up to the street with SUV's and pick-ups, and there are U-Haul trucks parked in nearly every driveway. In the evening one can hear the OSU marching band practicing on the lawn outside of the Seretean Center, and the campus is once again a-buzz with be-backpacked pedestrians, nightlife, and sorority girls sitting outside of the houses, talking and giggling. Young couples can be seen once again strolling hand-in-hand at Theta Pond, and "The Strip" reeks once more with the odor of beer.

Today I was reminded once again, why I love living in a college town. It started out as a difficult day as I watched my daughter walk down the airport terminal towards her gate which would take her to a jet that would carry her across the Atlantic Ocean, far away, for the next ten months. But when I returned to Stillwater, and drove down through the OSU campus, I was rejuvenated by the sites and sounds of a campus once again alive with young people and activity, and I was reminded that no matter what changes I experience in my life, life in my college hometown never really changes.

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Reflections on a Friendship

For some reason, I'm not exactly sure why, a certain person has been in my thoughts for several days. I first met him in the fall of 1999 when I began my graduate work at OSU. I knew from the moment I laid eyes on him that he and I were going to have a great relationship, but I had no I idea what he would come to mean to my life and how deep a friendship we would cultivate.

I've known this person for over seven years now, and in that seven years he has seen me go through a tremendous amount of turmoil and upheaval in my life. Indeed, he was the first one to know of my feelings for Steph, for it was on a cold and snowy February afternoon that I ran to his office in the Seretean Center, and with tears streaming down my cheeks, confessed to him of the forbidden love that would tear my life and the lives of my family apart. He sat and listened without judgment, but with tremendous concern for me and for the impact that a love like this would have on me and upon my family. Then when there was nothing else to be said, he threw his arms around me in an embrace and said, "Welcome to my side of the fence, darling!"

Since then, Allen Scott has been there beside me through every major event in my life. When Steph was so ill with ear infections that she couldn't get out of bed and I had to go to Texas to get my grandmother, Allen called to check on her, making sure that she was alright. When news got out of my mother's death, Allen came to our home with food, comfort, a listening ear, and a shoulder to cry on. In fact, Allen was the only person during that time who gave in such a manner. He repeated the same gesture a little over a year ago when Steph's mother died. Allen was there for me with support and friendship when I went through the hell of losing my children. He was the one who encouraged me to keep going when I didn't feel as if I had any resources of strength or perseverance left. He has been there beside Steph and me in our sorrows and our triumphs with his encouragement and amazing sense of humor, class, and style. Allen served as the chair of my graduate committee, and during my tenure at OSU, on two different occasions, I was blessed to sit under his instruction. Without Allen Scott, the world would know a whole lot less about Anna Storace, for it was Allen who encouraged and inspired me in my research on her. He was present at the party that was filmed and made into one of the scenes in Mozartballs. (Of course, he would be the one opening the champagne!) Allen has always been there to support and encourage me whenever I perform. He came to see me in the role of Katisha in The Mikado, when my own voice professor couldn't find it worth her time to come, and when Steph and I gave our screening party for Mozartballs, he was one of the most excited, most enthusiastic members of the audience, staying well into the wee hours of the morning to again, discuss the implications of this film upon Steph and my lives.

I can name on one hand the people who have been this important, and this close to my life. Each have contributed in profound and in different ways. I have been blessed to have people like these, who have loved unconditionally, who have supported and encouraged, and done it all without thought of themselves or what was in it for them. And among them is Allen, who will always be regarded as one of the dearest.

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Things my mother taught me

Mother's Day holds mixed feelings for me, as my mother passed away five years ago this coming June. Combine that with the fact that I lost three years worth of Mother's Days when my ex and his now ex-wife moved my children out of the state to get them away from me and my "sinful lifestyle", then you can see why Mother's Day might be somewhat painful for me. I got my children back two years ago when it was revealed that their step-mother was physically and emotionally abusing them, so this will be the third Mother's Day that I have had with them since then. However, it still holds some painful and lonely memories. The first Mother's Day without my mother was also my first Mother's Day without my children.

How I got through those painful years is a mystery to me. I attribute it to the strength that my mother instilled in me. My mother, for good or for ill, was quite stoic and possessed an inner strength and determination that she passed on to me. I learned by watching her, how to face pain and adversity with strength and dignity, and I will always be grateful to her for that. As a tribute to my mother's inner strength and beauty, this Mother's Day I am listing the things that my mother taught me that have made me a better person:

• She taught me the value of a good education.
• She taught me how to be a warm and gracious hostess.
• She taught me how to cook and about the importance of balanced nutrition.
• She taught me how to be a nurturer.
• She taught me how to set a beautiful table.
• She instilled in me the value and importance of the arts.
• She laid for me a strong spiritual foundation.
• She taught me the value of womanhood.
• She taught me the importance and value of sacrifice.
• She showed me how to demonstrate compassion.
  

In loving memory of Iris C. Erwin, August 30, 1934 through June 20, 2001.


Today's musical feature is Mozart's Rondo in D for Horn and Orchestra, K.514

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April's Fool

One of my very favorite cards in the Tarot deck is The Fool. He is traditionally depicted as a traveler carrying a small bundle with a little dog following close behind. Notice too, that he is looking up as he is just about to step off of a cliff!
I must admit that I have felt like The Fool a number of times over the last several years! However, it looks as if my fool's journey is near it's end, as I ready myself to walk through the doors to a new phase. I'm glad, too, because blindly stepping off of cliffs is scary!

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2005 - A year to remember

The year 2005 began with great promise and has ended in the same manner in which it began. In December of 2004, Steph's mother died and only a week later, Larry Weinstein and Thomas Wallner flew to Oklahoma from Canada to interview us concerning the film they were going to make for the 2006 Mozart 250th birthday year. By the end of the year we were gearing up for a trip to Vienna sometime in 2005.

The first few months of 2005 were fraught with anxiety and anticipation, waiting to get word from Larry about when we would be making the trip. And somewhere in the midst of it all, it looked like I wouldn't get to go because of a number of different reasons and complications. But in the end it all worked out, and by mid July we had dates for the shoots, as well as plane tickets to Vienna.

2005 has been a musical year for me. I've had the opportunity to solo in two separate performances of Handel's Messiah with the Stillwater Chamber Singers, one in the spring, in which I sang the alto aria, "He was despised" and the second performance, only a couple of weeks ago, in which I sang one of my favorite arias, "O thou that tellest good tidings to Zion". Another exciting musical experience came when I was asked to sing Mozart's lied, "Abendempfindung" for the film. I was filmed singing it in the majestic theater of the Masonic Temple in Guthrie, Oklahoma in mid August. Temperatures were in the 100 degrees Fahrenheit, and with no air conditioning in the theater plus my wearing a heavy black satin gown, the shoot was sweltering and exhausting. My scene didn't make the film, however, because of time constraints, but will be in the "deleted scenes" feature of the DVD version.

On Monday, August 29th, 2005, Steph and I were en route to Vienna, Austria for the on location shoots of the film now entitled, Mozartballs. On the morning of our departure, hurricane Katrina was making land along the Gulf Coast regions of Louisiana and Mississippi. The pilot of our KLM flight from Detroit to Amsterdam got on the speakers and told us that the clouds just to the south of us were the edges of Katrina. We had no idea of the damages sustained by the city of New Orleans until the following Friday, when we arrived in Salzburg and turned our hotel room television on to CNN International.

The last three days of August and the first few days of September, 2005 were spent in Vienna and Salzburg Austria, filming. Needless to say, it was one of the most memorable times of my entire life! More than the tremendous experience of being in a film, Steph and I realized a long-held dream of traveling to these places together. For us it was a vision quest--a spiritual experience wrought with laughter, tears, and memories both joyous and and painful. It was a grueling time of bustling airports, lots of walking, sore, bruised toes and feet, blisters, mosquitoes, sweltering heat, sweat, jet lag, and fatigue. It was filled with jets, taxi cabs, chauffeured limos, and trains. There were strange sights, strange sounds, a strange language, strange customs, strange currency, and strange food. It was an incredible time spent with incredibly talented people--Larry, Thomas, Jessica, John, Sanjay, Scott, Gerhardt, Nicholas, and Mozie. By the end of the trip we felt as if they were our family. All of us wept when it was time for us to separate and return to our homes--theirs being Toronto and ours being Stillwater, Oklahoma.

Steph described the return home and subsequent "down time" as feeling as if we'd been dropped from a plane. We both went through a period of depression when it was all over.
When we returned home we were met with life as usual. There were three active teens and all the activities and hustle-bustle that come with teenagers. There was work, bills, laundry, fish tanks that needed cleaning, and rent to pay. I felt like that woman in the Carnival Cruise commercial when she described how she had been treated like a queen but was now lamenting the return to the daily grind. She said she considered it a "temporary exile". Steph and I also declared ours a temporary exile, by deciding that we will move to Vienna when all of the kids have graduated from high school, in 2010.

Now we wait in anticipation of 2006. The film is finished and copies are being sent to the various European broadcasters as I type this. It is due to air on most European stations between the 22nd and 29th of January. Steph and I have no idea what will come of it, but we anticipate that much will come of it. Our hopes are that a publisher will pick up on Steph's book, Night Music, and that there might even be a screenplay in the works. That would be tremendous. There may very well be numerous speaking engagements, as well as book signing tours. Who knows? We just sense that our lives are about to change and that the lull we now experience will be very short-lived.

In closing, I wish to thank all of my readers for wading through all of this, and for your readership and comments. It has been a joy to create a window into my life via this medium, and I hope that you will continue to return to my blog throughout the coming year. Happy 2006 to you all!

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